New Hall Nazis (aka the Soup Nazi re-incarnate)

Do you guys remember that Seinfeld episode where everyone goes to the soup place owned by the infamous "Soup Nazi?" They had to follow a particular ordering procedure or else he would kick them out. George and Elaine both get denied soup because they fail to follow procedure. Jerry broke up with his girlfriend in order to maintain good relations with the Nazi. And of course Kramer was besties with the guy. If you don't remember this episode, then you should really consider yourself an embarrassment to this generation. And once you've recollected yourself, you should watch the following video to get caught up to speed.

You must be wondering, what does this guy have to do with Scotland. Well, New Hall (where I live) has its own Soup Nazi (let's be honest, they have the whole effing regime). This group of women truly has been sent from Hitler himself to make my life a living hell. [To be fair, there are some really wonderful girls who work in the kitchen, but for the sake of hyperbole, I'm gonna disregard these women].

So like in the Soup Nazi's kitchen, the dining hall has a very strict procedure for getting your food. Don't worry, these rules are very well outlined throughout the servery. Stupid things like: (1) you can only have one [dixie-cup-sized] glass of juice per meal and (2) you can either have a dessert or a starter (appetizer) with lunch, but not both. So okay, you get the gist. These rules are stupid, but (apparently) necessary. It is the unstated rules that are the most ridiculous, and the ones that really make me think they are specifically watching and waiting for me to fail.

The Nazis' Ten Commandments

Unstated Rule #1: You are only meant (trans: supposed) to have one plate per meal. Side Salads go on that one plate.

When you order a side salad, what are you expecting? Maybe I'm picky, but I'm expected a salad served on a separate plate, to the side of my meal. Perhaps if you're less picky than me, then you might expect that your salad would be served on the same plate as your meal, but sort of on one portion of the plate. But if that's your expectation, then even you would be disappointed. Your salad will come on top of the rest of the meal, so you are forever picking out leafs of lettuce and shreds of carrot from your spaghetti or indiscernible meat concoction. So my question is, why are we even calling it a side salad. Why don't we just order an on top of salad. Why don't they just say that, "would you like an on-top salad? At least then I could say, "No."

So needless to say, I would NOT have this (I'm my father's son). I wanted my salad, and I wanted it on the side. So I started asking if the women could put my salad on a small plate. I figured this would allow me to enjoy the salad and wouldn't be too much of a hassle. The new hall Nazis HATED this about as much as Hitler hated Hanukkah. Every day I ask for my salad on a separate plate, and every day they would say I was only meant to have one plate.

The Nazis hard at work.

Unstated Rule #2: You cannot receive ketchup during seconds. EVER!

And if there is one thing the Nazis hate more than side salads on the side, its giving out ketchup packets (this doesn't even make sense to me). One day I got a main meal that did not require any ketchup, so I obviously didn't get any. Logical right? Wrong! Never assume ANYTHING! So I went back for seconds on this particular day, because they had fries (i mean, "chips"). I got this pile of fries for seconds and went to get some ketchup. I felt pretty good and asked the woman at the counter if I could have a few ketchup packets (yes the little ones they basically pass out like water at McDonalds). I mistook her for one of the nice servers. Wrong again. She was a Nazi too. She turned to me and said, "You can't have ketchup with seconds." I explained to her that I didn't get a meal that required ketchup during my first go around, but now I have fries and would like some ketchup. She responded, "I don't know that," as if I might be lying to her in order to get this most basic condiment! So I'm ripping. I wait until the woman left the dining hall and ran in, trying to steal some ketchup. Little do I know I was being watched by Nazi #2, who reprimanded me again. So no ketchup for me. WTF!


Unstated Rule #3: Side Salad or Soup. Never both. NEVER!

Are you satisfied? Well, while I'm venting, I'm just gonna keep going.

So we've had the issue with the side salad and the ketchup. How about my veggie friend, who couldn't find any palatable vegetarian options one night, so she decided to just get a side salad and some soup for dinner. Let me be clear, this girl did not get a main course. Her meal that evening would simply be a side salad and a bowl of soup.
Seems like a fairly benign request, right. WRONG! See, a side salad and a soup are technically in the same category, and according to the rules, you can EITHER have a soup OR a side salad. And the woman monitoring that day was so brainwashed, that she actually told the veggie girl that she could only have ONE! NO SOUP FO YOU! Despite her clearly not having a main course. Denied.

It tastes worse than it looks. Promise.

My Revenge!

So you must be saying, Steve, son of Dave, what are you doing?! The Dry clan would NOT put up with this shit! Well, all this frustration came to a head one afternoon in the lunch line. Here's how it went down.

So I was waiting in line. As I walk through the line, I grabbed a piece a fruit (as my starter of course...following the rules) and put it on this small plate (I was meant to put my starter on this small plate). I thought for a second, "hmmm this plate is the perfect size for a salad plate." I think you see where I am going with this. So I get up the Nazi and we get ready to spar. She knows me and I know her. I give her a little wink and she snarls back. I order, perfectly polite. And then I tell her I want my salad on the side. She of course says, "You are only meant to have one plate. Why do you always make this a big deal." I respond, "Because I don't want my salad all over my food. Why don't you just put the salad on this plate?" handing her the plate on which I was supposed to put my fruit. "You are only meant to have ONE plate!" she said more sternly. "Well, this plate was for my fruit, so technically I'm MEANT to have this plate (bitch!)."So she realizes she's got nothing, and the line is now really long. So I get my salad on a side plate. Finally!

Now I go get my dixie cup of fruit juice and then go to get a hot chocolate. Let me just inform you of the official rule on hot beverages, as written in my student information guide:

"Tea/coffee is provided free to Catered Students at Breakfast and is also available at dinner but only if you bring your own mug."

As I told you, this particular day, it was lunch. It doesn't say anything about lunch. Dun dun dun. Again, I should have known better than to use any sort of logic with these brainwashed terrors. But I though I was one step ahead of them. I had brought my own cup to lunch so I could get hot chocolate. I filled up my cup, and the second it was full, this woman came over and told me I was not meant to have a hot drink during lunch. She didn't even wait for me to respond. Instead she walked over to the guard and told her that I needed to pay for the hot chocolate. So I flipped out inside, because I was not about to pay for this crap. So I went and asked her to tell me where it said I couldn't have a hot drink for lunch. She directs me to the diagram that specifies what I am "meant" to have at each meal (see below). Of course, there is NOTHING that talks about hot drinks on the sign (or anywhere near the hot drinks area). I mentioned this to her, and further questioned her as to why the hot drink machine was even on if we weren't meant to have them. This seemed counter to their huge campaign to be a more eco-friendly dining establishment. So she had nothing to stand on and started to get flustered. She kept pointing to the sign and I kept shaking my head. So she says, "I'll have to talk to my manager," to which I respond, "How about I talk to your manager."

Hmmm, nothing about hot drinks on this sheet.

At this point, the manager had already come out, because the line was now extremely backed up. So Hitler herself came over to meet with me. She was much more diplomatic than the other Nazis, so I gave her credit. She basically didn't really understand my complaint, which was that I deserved to be respected as a patron. She told me that they were working on the ketchup issue and that I could definitely have a side salad with my meal (but the implication was that I would be the only one afforded this courtesy). I told her they needed to focus on customer service and she told me that they sent all their employees to Scottish parliament customer service training over the summer. I told her she should demand a refund.

Anyways, the end result is that I've been treated MUCH better. The Nazis KNOW me (since this whole meeting with Hitler happened right in front of all of them), and treat me much better. And I get my salad on the side! WOOOO. We'll see how long this lasts.