Losing my (Ryanair) Virginity

After four days in London, I headed to Madrid with Surabhi and Emily. Unlike my trip to London, we didn’t spend as much time waiting in the Gatwick airport. This was mainly because we got like 4 hours of sleep the night before (too much celebrating for Guy Hawkes Day) and slept in a little longer than usual. And even by the time we arrived at the airport, I was not awake enough to truly appreciate the experience of losing my Ryanair virginity…dun, dun dun.

Still a Ryanair virgin...moments before penetration.

After we realized we could buy scratch tickets...or was it the smokeless cigarettes?

For those of you who have not had the pleasure of riding Ryanair, let me give you a little taste of the experience. Ryanair is a little like staying up late and watching those infomercials. First, Ryanair flights never leave after 9am in the morning of before 10pm in the evening. And since they fly out of the most obscure airports in the region, it takes you hours to get to your airport. As a result, you’re tired the entire trip (just like when you are watching those infomercials).

Second, the entire flight is huge three ring circus of advertisement. One woman is always responsible for selling the smokeless cigarettes (which come in flavors like strawberry, mint, and menthol, in case you were wondering). Another woman tries to sell you any sort of fragrance or style of watch known to man. And let’s not forget the woman who walks up and down the aisles with a fan of lottery tickets (only £2, what a steal!).

Third, Ryanair primarily employs eastern European women whose make-up resembles that of a prostitute. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind Eastern Europeans or prostitutes, but its hard for me to put confidence in a flight crew that looks like they’re better prepared to service you in the bathroom than in your seat (and I don’t doubt, if Ryanair could find a legal loophole, that the flight attendants would happily escort you to the mile high club for an additional charge). I could go on and on about Ryanair, but I’ll save that for another day.

Tuckered out after the experience that was Ryanair.